My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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