I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
