I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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