dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
