you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
