benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
