just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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