So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
