Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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