You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
