Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
