weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
