I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
