I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
