Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
