I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
