Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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