everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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