dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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