ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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