idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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