I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
