dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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