i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
