Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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