I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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