I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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