i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
