she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
