you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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