Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
