Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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