We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
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hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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