the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
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Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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