i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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