i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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