You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
