I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
