Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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