Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
