We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Randomize
