Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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