I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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