I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
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I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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