whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life