I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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