Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.