I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
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Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that