Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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