the condom got lost in my hair
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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