these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
