There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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