My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
