Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
