You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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