he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
