You're so nebulous sometimes
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
