We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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