don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
