I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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