I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
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Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
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god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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